prayer.

yet another thing i have been thinking about. i was thinking about the things people pray for. or things people ask me to pray for. i feel like it has been made quite obvious to myself that i do not pray like the typical Christian. see... i never pray for change. i never pray for outcome. i never pray for gain. i feel like these are very worldly things to pray for, and even though that might be all we know - it seems futile. God has a plan and praying for a change in His plan feels like i am telling God that i dont trust Him to take care of me... or someone else, for that matter. if someone i know is ill, i know it is in Gods plan. praying for them to be healed isnt going to change His plan or encourage Him to do so. we are all challenged in different ways. sometimes it feels very unfair, but it is all His will.

dont get me wrong. i do pray in those situations. but i pray for strength to endure. i pray for understanding. i pray for guidance. i pray for Him to lead me. i pray for others to be lead. i pray for someone to know His love. i pray for thanksgiving. i pray when i look at my little life and am reminded of how lucky i am. i thank God for my healthy children, because i feel like that is a commodity that i should appreciate with grace.

but for some reason i feel... guilty.... when i even fathom the idea of praying for a change in His plan. if i am meant to get that job i applied for, i will get it. i dont need to pray for that because the Lord will always provide for me. i am struggling with madisons school right now and hope that the new one will be a good fit. i dont pray that it will be a good fit; i know endeavour isnt working out for a reason, and God will lead madison and i in the right direction. i trust His guidance and know our destination will be a better one. in the meantime, we will endure the journey with our eyes open to his road map.

God is my tomtom... minus the part where i get lost because he has mislead me. that doesnt happen.

this, of course, doesnt mean that i dont feel the emotions that come along with these situations. i can give it all to the Lord as much as i please, but i cant escape my feelings so easily. i am sad when someone passes away because i am selfish and want to keep them here with me until i feel like i have had my time with them (which is an unquantifiable amount of time in itself, of course). i am stressed out for the situation with madisons school, but know i must be humble, forgiving, and patient. i should not expect perfection in anyone. and i am no person to request change in someone. i would love to be guaranteed the perfect job tomorrow - but hastiness is not going to land me a job that i can be happy with. good things come to those who wait.

i just keep reminding myself that the Lord is in my boat. all the time. He never abandons me and i will not perish.

And He said to them, "Why are you so fearful? Where is your faith; your trust, your confidence in Me--in My veracity and My integrity?"

the key.

forgiveness is the key to the prison we put ourselves in when we put people in a place in our heart reserved for hate and anger.

i made a choice a couple of years ago when Pastor Dan had a similar sermon. i made the choice to forgive anyone who had and will wrong me with their sins. i felt like the hate i felt for them left a scum on my soul. a scum that enveloped my life with ugliness. once i chose to forgive, i feel like i was clarified.

i didnt want to have ugly feelings and ugly words for people who made poor choices. i didnt want to have an ugly soul. i didnt want to be an ugly person.

until today at church, i hadnt really put much thought into that space in my heart that i had vacated. i have learned to let go of everything and give it to God. i have let go of ugliness... so i had though.

i have found a way to apply this spiritual concept to a choice i made recently. i have chosen a new career path: paralegal. i have had reservations in the past about getting into the law field because of the idea that the attorney i support is sometimes going to represent and defend the bad guy. the person making poor choices. the liar. blatant criminals. and how should i feel about this? obviously they need to be defended by someone. i considered that fact that i can choose what field in law i support. maybe someone who doesnt defend criminals. like being the paralegal for someone who practices family law. but ultimately i decided to not let little discrepancies like that bother me and just to not really think about them. but today i thought about them when Pastor Dan brought up the idea of forgiveness. i had a revelation about this prejudice i had created about the "bad guy".

i have no right and no need to reserve space in my heart for the bad guys. the criminals. the liars. God does not want me to forsake them. He does not want me to judge them. He does not want me to have ugly feelings for them, because they are worthy of my forgiveness just for being children of God. that is not to say that they should not be dealt with in a court of law, but putting this ugly idea in my heat that they, the wrong-doers, are unworthy of forgiveness puts those ugly feelings of hate and anger back into my heart. the ones i worked so hard to expel.

i am enrolling in summer classes at evcc and when i complete my courses and begin searching for a firm that is a good fit, maybe i should choose criminal law. maybe God wants me to be the person who looks at the wrong-doers and says "you are forgiven".

"... Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brothers and sisters who sin against me? Seven times?"

"I tell you, not seven time but seventy times seven times."

Matthew 18: 21 and 22

disbelief.

i spend a lot of time driving. i drive from marysville to mukilteo every day, and back. in between those times i usually have errands to run or doctors appointments to attend. friends to visit. etcetera. consequently i spend a lot of time thinking about thing. lately i have been thinking about my religious beliefs and how deep rooted they are, of even lack there of.

i wasnt raised in a religious household by any means. within my own memory my mother never attended church with me. we moved a lot, and every so often a local church would offer to take me and my two sisters on sundays to sunday school, on a bus, and back home. so we went. and it was fun while it lasted but we inevitably moved again and stopped going to church. i never really formed a relationship with God throughout my childhood and generally did not refer to Biblical parables for guidance in life. i spent most of my youth guiding myself - so i thought.

when i started attending church at Allen Creek Community Church,i was 20 years old, had two children aged 2 and 4, and was living with roommates in a 4 bedroom home. i had some ounce of desire to go to church, but what really drew me was the fact that they offered a service on saturday evening and they served free dinner - and i could use free dinners. working as a manager at burger king isnt exactly a lucrative career, and i had sacrificed my opportunity for college to my childrens' father so that i could be a stay at home mom and he could be the provider. and then i broke up with him. i was what i would consider lost and at a low point in my life. couple years later i found myself living with roommates in an upscale neighborhood near a church called Gold Creek Community Church. i was initially apprehensive of attending this church because it was big and fancy and in my experience, big and fancy usually meant big and judgmental. i had gotten the stink eye from plenty of Christians at because i was a teenager with 2 children. i assume these people were free of sin, since they cast stones.

Gold Creek turned out to be the most welcoming church i have ever been to. i felt like they were saying "Jesus loves you just as much as he loves me". the tiny, incongruent box i was being asked to fit into at other churches seemed non existant here. 5 years later i am still attending and i drive 40 miles every sunday to be there because i cannot financially afford to live in that city yet.

and i still find myself doubting my faith. not doubting if God exists, per se. just how deeply rooted my faith is. living and speaking the Gospel doesn't necessarily translate into really internalizing your faith. i see Christians that honestly embarass me with their behavior. i read in history books about the heinous things we have done to non-believers and reformists. it makes me really consider my own faith and how much of it i have and how much of it exudes from my being. do i really believe in God? do i reflect His word? do other Christians doubt me? i couldnt find an indicator that could really, 100 percent tell me if i was a true Christian in a reflection that pleased my own logic. let me define something to you: i over analyze everything. EVERYTHING. the Lord will always know what is in my heart, but i would like to know, as well!

then the tsunami in Japan happened and i started considering what i would do in that situation. what would i do in an earthquake? floor? any natural disaster. what would i do if my child was swept away. what would i do if i knew i was going to die?

i would pray. no doubt about it. i wouldn't think twice and i dont even think i would have control over that action. even before i started attending Church and studying the Bible i would have done that same exact thing. pray. pray for salvation. request forgiveness for my sins. ask the Lord to take care of my children in my absence. and not because i think there might be a God, but because i know He is there. without a doubt.

and anytime i feel like i might not be an adequate Christian, i just remind myself of whom i look to for guidance.

the beginning.

hello. i am "the girl". this is my journal of my perceived vindication. perceived by myself, that is. for a while now i have been wanting to start journaling my journey with Christianity. i started going to church on a regular basis about 5 years ago or something and started attending bible study regularly about 2 months ago. bible study is what brought out this desire to blog my experience and thoughts. i tried keeping a physical journal, as opposed to this digital one. unfortunately, my typing skills are faster and much more convenient than my writing skills - not to mention hand cramps. journaling is much more convenient, as well. also, i can share my blog and work on this whole humility thing the bible keeps telling me i should be practicing.

let me start of by confessing my sins: i am a habitual sinner. there. and i thoroughly believe anyone who denies that they themselves are habitual sinners are lying through their teeth.

when i was creating this blog about 4 minutes ago i was asked to name my blog and create a correlating link. i couldn't think of anything that wasnt campy or overused that equably defined my journey. then the word "vindication" came into my mind. i also like that song by dashboard confessional titled so. i feel like myself as a whole is vindicated by the Lords love. anything i do, everything i experience is vindicated and no one can tell me different or make me believe otherwise.

i am going to write my first blog post now.