i wasnt raised in a religious household by any means. within my own memory my mother never attended church with me. we moved a lot, and every so often a local church would offer to take me and my two sisters on sundays to sunday school, on a bus, and back home. so we went. and it was fun while it lasted but we inevitably moved again and stopped going to church. i never really formed a relationship with God throughout my childhood and generally did not refer to Biblical parables for guidance in life. i spent most of my youth guiding myself - so i thought.
when i started attending church at Allen Creek Community Church,i was 20 years old, had two children aged 2 and 4, and was living with roommates in a 4 bedroom home. i had some ounce of desire to go to church, but what really drew me was the fact that they offered a service on saturday evening and they served free dinner - and i could use free dinners. working as a manager at burger king isnt exactly a lucrative career, and i had sacrificed my opportunity for college to my childrens' father so that i could be a stay at home mom and he could be the provider. and then i broke up with him. i was what i would consider lost and at a low point in my life. couple years later i found myself living with roommates in an upscale neighborhood near a church called Gold Creek Community Church. i was initially apprehensive of attending this church because it was big and fancy and in my experience, big and fancy usually meant big and judgmental. i had gotten the stink eye from plenty of Christians at because i was a teenager with 2 children. i assume these people were free of sin, since they cast stones.
Gold Creek turned out to be the most welcoming church i have ever been to. i felt like they were saying "Jesus loves you just as much as he loves me". the tiny, incongruent box i was being asked to fit into at other churches seemed non existant here. 5 years later i am still attending and i drive 40 miles every sunday to be there because i cannot financially afford to live in that city yet.
and i still find myself doubting my faith. not doubting if God exists, per se. just how deeply rooted my faith is. living and speaking the Gospel doesn't necessarily translate into really internalizing your faith. i see Christians that honestly embarass me with their behavior. i read in history books about the heinous things we have done to non-believers and reformists. it makes me really consider my own faith and how much of it i have and how much of it exudes from my being. do i really believe in God? do i reflect His word? do other Christians doubt me? i couldnt find an indicator that could really, 100 percent tell me if i was a true Christian in a reflection that pleased my own logic. let me define something to you: i over analyze everything. EVERYTHING. the Lord will always know what is in my heart, but i would like to know, as well!
then the tsunami in Japan happened and i started considering what i would do in that situation. what would i do in an earthquake? floor? any natural disaster. what would i do if my child was swept away. what would i do if i knew i was going to die?
i would pray. no doubt about it. i wouldn't think twice and i dont even think i would have control over that action. even before i started attending Church and studying the Bible i would have done that same exact thing. pray. pray for salvation. request forgiveness for my sins. ask the Lord to take care of my children in my absence. and not because i think there might be a God, but because i know He is there. without a doubt.
and anytime i feel like i might not be an adequate Christian, i just remind myself of whom i look to for guidance.
Lovely. Simply lovely.
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