prayer.

yet another thing i have been thinking about. i was thinking about the things people pray for. or things people ask me to pray for. i feel like it has been made quite obvious to myself that i do not pray like the typical Christian. see... i never pray for change. i never pray for outcome. i never pray for gain. i feel like these are very worldly things to pray for, and even though that might be all we know - it seems futile. God has a plan and praying for a change in His plan feels like i am telling God that i dont trust Him to take care of me... or someone else, for that matter. if someone i know is ill, i know it is in Gods plan. praying for them to be healed isnt going to change His plan or encourage Him to do so. we are all challenged in different ways. sometimes it feels very unfair, but it is all His will.

dont get me wrong. i do pray in those situations. but i pray for strength to endure. i pray for understanding. i pray for guidance. i pray for Him to lead me. i pray for others to be lead. i pray for someone to know His love. i pray for thanksgiving. i pray when i look at my little life and am reminded of how lucky i am. i thank God for my healthy children, because i feel like that is a commodity that i should appreciate with grace.

but for some reason i feel... guilty.... when i even fathom the idea of praying for a change in His plan. if i am meant to get that job i applied for, i will get it. i dont need to pray for that because the Lord will always provide for me. i am struggling with madisons school right now and hope that the new one will be a good fit. i dont pray that it will be a good fit; i know endeavour isnt working out for a reason, and God will lead madison and i in the right direction. i trust His guidance and know our destination will be a better one. in the meantime, we will endure the journey with our eyes open to his road map.

God is my tomtom... minus the part where i get lost because he has mislead me. that doesnt happen.

this, of course, doesnt mean that i dont feel the emotions that come along with these situations. i can give it all to the Lord as much as i please, but i cant escape my feelings so easily. i am sad when someone passes away because i am selfish and want to keep them here with me until i feel like i have had my time with them (which is an unquantifiable amount of time in itself, of course). i am stressed out for the situation with madisons school, but know i must be humble, forgiving, and patient. i should not expect perfection in anyone. and i am no person to request change in someone. i would love to be guaranteed the perfect job tomorrow - but hastiness is not going to land me a job that i can be happy with. good things come to those who wait.

i just keep reminding myself that the Lord is in my boat. all the time. He never abandons me and i will not perish.

And He said to them, "Why are you so fearful? Where is your faith; your trust, your confidence in Me--in My veracity and My integrity?"